2023 League Preseason Power Rankings

The draft is over, and now the wait for football to start is officially on. While we all wade through every player being in the best shape of their life, 10lbs heavier than last year, and "showing they are taking the next step" it is time to introduce the most important part of any football season to our league: preseason rankings.

The most accurate and reliable rankings done in any season. Gracing us with a yearly Texas A&M meltdown and bold predictions that make people question if people like Desmond Howard got an offseason lobotomy. In other words: I'm incredibly bored in the office, and productivity is at an all time low before the holiday weekend. It is time to power rank all the teams in our league.

1. Air Raid Offense

This is obvious. I am obligated to put him at 1. If I didn't rank him this high then I think God himself might come smite me. The prodigal son still sits at the top. Still not sure what kind of divine intervention Jeb invokes every year, but here we are (again).

It doesn't even matter that he traded Davante Adams. He almost has so many good receivers that he could field two starting lineups of them. Not to mention drafting more of them so when Zay Flowers turns into Antonio Brown and Jalin Hyatt is the next Desean Jackson, we will look back and wonder how the hell this happened again. Then remember this is just how it was meant to be.

Jeb is Thanos, or Emperor Palpatine, or any movie super villain of your choice. He is unkillable. He is inevitable. You can run from the reality that his team will always be one of the two best any year, but you'll still lose after the perfect starting 4 of his 18 different WR1s all drop 45 a pop on your head. We had a few years reprieve, but we are due for the bad guys winning at the end.

Looking forward to regretting trading you Rachaad White! That won't sting at all!

2. The Curse Shall Come

Where to start with Sam's team? The incredibly potent curse? The HALF A DECADE of struggling? The UT fan showing with a continual, this is my year mentality?

Just a little perspective here, Sam could've had a kid when the league started and they would've been able to read before he made the playoffs. Maybe they could even manage his team for him? Food for thought here.

The curse looms, and after trading up for Bijan instead of spacing out his picks to have more coverage against his horrible luck. We are all collectively waiting for the news that Lamar Jackson has been assembling nuclear submarines at his Florida home. Or Dak has been housing Russian spies. Or AJ Brown is looking for a career change after getting bored and is going to become a professional youtube boxer. Every carry Bijan has this year will be met with clenched teeth and a sense of dread.

All jokes aside the only (unfortunate) thing is that he has almost made his team unfuckupable. It would take the single most unlucky season of all time for it to go completely off the rails. He arguably has three or four of the most talented young runners in the league now. Another two more that have a real shot at being difference makers. Two stable quarterbacks that are getting paid. A #1 overall pick who will be playing and will have a long leash after a prolific college career, even if he looks like a middle schooler. Two or three of the best young receivers in the NFL right now. So yeah there is no shortage of talent on the roster.

When it all falls apart it will be really really impressive, but on paper damn this team looks sick.

3. Baker's Boys

Back to back Sam appearances. The actually successful one now. This season will mark two years removed from him winning it all when it wraps. Zero part of me would be shocked to see the trophy heading back his way next summer.

Despite the fact there is a strict no running backs over the age of 26 rule for this roster, even if they would boost his chances of winning in the immediate future. Plus what seems like an attempt to corner the market on every white tight end that was even mildly productive in college. This roster is deep. It can survive an injury to any position right now with immediate answers. There is a ton of young talent that are all but guaranteed to take a step.

Garrett Wilson clearly likes conspiracy theories or is willing to listen to the bullshit to get some more catchable targets after last year. Tee Higgins will be the WR1 in Cincy after Ja'Marr Chase gets hurt because he is on the other Sam's roster. QJ has a guy with a surgically repaired spine, in Mike Williams, who isn't running near the start of June in front of him which in my not so professional medical opinion seems like it may be a good thing for QJ's playing time. So things are looking up.

The QB2 slot is a collection of: Baker, bad enough to call a vote for a mascot slot. Mac Jones, potentially bad. Bailey Zappe, the same guy as Mac Jones but way easier to root for. CJ Stroud, who the hell knows. So that is a fair question mark to place but there will be someone starting there every week which is definitely an upgrade over certain other people in this league.

He may poach me every draft, but he is still the lesser of all evils in my eyes a majority of the time. So I might be rooting for him if my team explodes.

4. Charlotte Lions

As it turns out having two amazing QBs is really helpful in superflex. So is being gifted Josh Jacobs and a top 3 pick next year, but we'll go down that rabbit hole later. This team isn't exactly the ideal image of durability. It feels like a yearly occurrence of Riddle overfilling his IR slots and having half an unusable bench.

DHop, Keenan Allen, and Darren Waller are all approaching the "always dealing with something" territory of player. Rashaad Penny is going to get hurt it is just a question of when. Kyler is playing warzone with the boys for half the fall. And he has the corpses of Zeke and Robert Woods waiting to just seize a starting spot.

Even with all of this, Riddle is in contention. Especially if Treylon Burks can produce in the Titans glorified 1950's leather helmet era offense this year. Or if Jahmyr Gibbs can just be a healthy version of DeAndre Swift.

Can he escape the karma from ripping off Rainman? We'll see.

Last note. There is a world where Penny stays healthy and runs for 1,500 yards in the Eagles offense this year. We are all fucked for way too many reasons if that happens.

5. Team Danjcor

Last year's runner up. Lots of flashy players on this roster. Tyreek, Burrow, Saquon are all some of the best fantasy players and most fun guys to watch.

His roster also got better after Calvin Ridley overcame his crippling parlay addiction during his year long suspension, but Jameson Williams took the mantle in his stead.

Banking a win now roster on the Jacksonville Jaguars receiving core sounds like an interesting bet in a vacuum, but one I actually like. The RB2 slot for this roster is a little suspect. David Montgomery is already hurt, and he has David Montgomery but slightly older in Jamaal Williams. Meanwhile if Javonte Williams is on the JK Dobbins path it might put a slight damper on this season's odds of winning. Having your knee turned into an Arby's number 5 roast beef combo meal is a problem as it turns out. A.k.a. trade me for McCaffrey and finally commit to winning this year.

I don't have a ton of thoughts on Dan's team outside of it's good.

6. Caesar

Another staple of the top tier here for the past four years. Yeah the wheels look like they might fall off kind of soon, and half his team are eligible to collect Social Security but we've all said that for a few too many years now.

Counterpoints are:

1. I own Cole's pick. I am not naive enough to expect this to end well for me.

2. Cole will continue to do Billy Beane proud and play Moneyball until the end of time. The value train does not stop rolling.

His roster is thin, which is why he isn't higher, but the starters are enough to win another 'ship if things shake right. There are a few interesting players on the bench in (the human hamstring pull) Kadarius Toney, Nico Collins, and Darnell Mooney that could pan out to be more than just solid or okayish players.

If Toney ends up being the next Tyreek Hill and playing football consistently for the first time in like a decade, then feel free to shoot me into the fucking sun if I don't do it myself.

There isn't a ton to say here other than Derrick Henry will be rushing for 1.2k and 10 touchdowns and Travis Kelce will be the best TE long after we are all gone from this world. Cole will somehow nab a bye this year and I'll be bitching about his first rounder that was supposed to end up higher than it did.

I am incredibly happy you finally won after getting fucked out of a ring in 2020, but now I pray on your downfall for my own gain this year. I am not sorry about it, and I look forward to being let down on those hopes.

7. Team mwilson18

This team is a QB away from being four or five spots higher. That is kind of the issue though. After selling the farm for a Bears QB, bold move still to this day. One that worked out for last year, but he still needs to learn how to throw and the jury is out there.

Mike is in limbo waiting on Matt Stafford who has a collection of injuries stacking up that looks like our dinner bill on the draft trip. One of which is a spinal injury. Trey Lance, who snapped his ankle and isn't even the starter for his own team when the QB1 is healthy. Lastly, Sam Howell who might be okay but also is a 5th rounder and could be replaced by career journeyman JaCrispy Brisket at pretty much any moment.

The rest of this team? Pretty sick can't lie. Some really good receivers, some really good young runners. So yeah, if one of the few dice rolls at QB doesn't just collapse the house in on itself then this season will be really good. Not sure I have faith in that happening right now.

As the one who has your first this year, by all means feel free to have a bad season and have none of those QBs work out.

8. Low PA Prayers

Do I actually expect to finish 8th? Hell no, but I tend to be delusional about my fantasy team. I do know this is the worst my team has been in 6 years. By far in fact. My team is definitely in worse shape than it was coming into last year. I lost QB depth, I lost RB depth, I lost high end RB production in Ekeler. My year two guys all stalled out or got injured rather than taking the leap. I did gain some picks in the process.

I am thin now, in a similar territory to Cole with a less filled out starting roster. I am coming into the season with the intention of a retool and a potential playoff push if my team doesn't want to get hurt at all (prayers). Tua is a concussion away from retirement and forgetting his own name. Russ is a bad season away from being cut and Sean Payton publicly destroying him. If either of my starting RBs get hurt I have a few UDFAs to slot in the starting lineup. Yeah. Things are going really well to say the least.

You can do a lot of projecting on the positives. Bateman is back and flashed massive potential when he was on the field. Kyle Pitts is a total stud he just needs someone to get him the ball. Diontae should have a bounce back campaign in year 2 of the Pickett experience, and stays consistently dominant at commanding targets and getting open.

Even if things break right for me, am I competing with the likes of any of the teams above me? I don't think so unless there is a serious amount of luck involved there. Or the ghost of 2019 Christian McCaffrey's past appears to deliver me 30 points per game again. (Someone come buy him while you can)

Besides does any of this matter when my guaranteed 1,900 points against come through this season? No, not really.

9. Dameon Pierce the Veil

Davis has a good team. He is incredibly close to being out of roster purgatory. The only reason he is this low is because even with a good team, there are very few great pieces on this roster. The QBs are stable and not going anywhere anytime soon. The receivers are mostly talented, but some stuck on bad offenses or behind more talented guys.

On that note, most of the receivers are 2nd options in their own offense. Not that that is a massive issue in terms of points scored and actually being able to win games, but the ceiling is capped. The flip side of this is there is a ton of depth there in return too, it is just going to be about getting the right combo of players in the lineup every week.

Alvin Kamara beating the living shit out of a guy means RB production may have to come from the "we have Derrick Henry at home" AJ Dillon and Dameon Pierce. Assault case results are pending of course right now so impossible to say.

A lot of the outcomes this season depend on basically playing Jordan Addison roulette which is a game rigged in his favor because Addison is really good at football, and he reaps the benefits of playing next to the biggest freak of nature we've seen at wide receiver in a minute in Jefferson. If Addison hits it alleviates a lot of thought being put into the flex and can elevate this roster past just a push to get into the playoffs.

I think there is a clear path to the playoffs this year. I do worry that running back production could end up an issue down the stretch if Kamara misses significant time.

10. Marvin Gaye and Charbonnet

Let's call it what it is, Henry walked into Chernobyl 5 years after the meltdown. Keegan left a nuclear wasteland of a roster with very small amounts of hope. Henry walked in and was finding all the different types of weird irradiated monstrosities on his roster like retired Gronk, Malik Willis, and Jared Bernhardt.

This was and is going to take time, but there is at least some more hope than years past. For starters there is a real manager, this isn't some weird ghost-written team ran by a puppet-state. Second, there were real moves to make the team better for the future and right now.

If there are even two more years of Davante Adams being elite elite that trade is infinitely worth it. Aiyuk and Watson are both set to lead their team in targets. Man wouldn't it be nice to have a guy like Javonte Williams on this roster? Good times, at least Tyler Boyd looks great on the bench. I think it could go without saying but I will anyways, running back is a little dire here.

Swift is competing with Penny to see who can speedrun an ankle injury this season, and Devin Singletary is going to be playing for a Texans team as the second fiddle to Dameon Pierce.

Unfortunately the reality is that there are way too many holes in this roster to compete right now. The one stable part of the team is QB. This is a long long shot playoff team until Ken Walker ends up in prison for buying drugs from an undercover cop, and Charbonnet takes that backfield over. With one or maybe two more pieces this team could start to think playoffs.

Regardless of the mess he inherited, this team is already higher than it would be any other year.

11. QB Incubator

Speaking of teams that look a lot better than last year. Eli will win multiple games this season. I don't have much cutting analysis. This team is still not playoff ready either, but there have been nothing but great moves made the past year. Trading back, moving Stroud, drafting well last year, etc. etc.

Eli will be a top 3 or 4 team in a year or two after all these picks materialize and I am here for it.

So yeah keep rocking king. This MFer don't miss.

12. Back Up QB Collector

So this is going to be long. I obviously have a lot to say. None of it is very nice, so if you don't want to read me going scorched Earth I completely understand. Just know it's incredibly hard to find positives with this team.

ZERO playable QBs on the roster as of week 1 right now. The QB1 for this team is one armed Brock Purdy. The QB2 is Carson Wentz about to convert to tight end. The running backs are old, bad, hurt, or all the above. The wide receivers are Jaylen Waddle then a ton of prayers for points. Mike Williams had fucking spinal surgery. I repeat SPINAL SURGERY. Juju is bordering on a has been, who is good for WR3 production and just downgraded in terms of the offense and the QB he is playing with.

Right now he is hoping a guy who took a year off and was diagnosed with Leukemia last year can save him in the superflex. Yes, the guy with cancer is the great hope for this roster.

And he just shipped his best player off to downgrade at the same position, then mortgaged his future to take a 2nd round QB who consensus is pretty meh, likely isn't playing his rookie year without a Tannehill injury, and may not even be the long term answer. Listen let's not rule out the possibility it *could* work but I mean the guy couldn't beat out Sean Clifford for a starting job at Penn State. Sean Clifford is up there for one of the worst quarterbacks I have watched in the past three years.

The bench might as well be an XFL dynasty roster. There are open roster slots and taxi slots, when it is already paper thin and devoid of talent. It would take about 45 favorable injuries, and every single rookie pick hitting for this team to look semi-competent.

I look forward to looking like the biggest asshole on the planet when this all backfires in my face and those 45 injuries do happen. Will Levis is the next Mahomes. Rashee Rice goes for 2k as a rookie, and Jonathon Mingo is actually just AJ Brown. If that all does happen then I'll never make another comment about a trade, waiver pickup, or anything I may find questionable in fantasy football.